LEARNING TO LET GO // RANDOM THOUGHTS
Because, let’s face it, everybody has about a million things on their mind at any given moment.
Or is that just me?!? Although, to be fair, the average person probably doesn’t have a million things on their mind at 5 a.m. (unless they’re an insomniac obviously). However, we all know that I am certainly not average and tend to be a little (or a lot) anxious about basically everything. And, of course my anxiety just so happens to be incredibly heightened this time of year, especially when getting any quality outdoor time is out of the question. Lovely. So, instead of checking my emotional baggage at the gym door, I’ve been just dragging it onto the treadmill with me. Clearly not my brightest idea.
In my defense, it really hasn’t even been a conscious decision 99% of the time. It just happens the minute I press start and then snow balls from there. As the minutes tick by, and the scenery in front of me stays the same, all I can do is think about everything but running. I’m sure there is some portion of my brain and consciousness that is thinking about the act of running and how much I don’t enjoy the treadmill; but that’s not where my main focus is. Instead, I’m thinking about the 600-900 word writing sample I had to get done this afternoon and how Valentines day is tomorrow (and ya know what that means for someone who’s officially been single for a year now!!).
In short, I have been way too consumed with my thoughts/stresses/worries during my gym time.
MY GYM TIME. My time to step away from everything that’s going on in my life and my head. My time to focus on getting better and strong one day, one workout at a time. And the thing is, I’m completely aware of it when it’s happening mid run, when I know I should be focused on just moving forward rather than trying to make sense of the past. It’s like no matter what I do or how hard I try, there’s always that one song or one random thing that takes me back in time to when things were “better.” When my workouts went perfectly according to plan and everything seemed to be falling into place.
And, the more I think about it, the more I go back and forth between whether things really were better back then. I mean, how could they be when you look at just how much stronger I am today. At least physically, there’s not doubt in my mind that I’ve gotten stronger in that aspect. Then, last night it hit me out of nowhere (or maybe it was some verse from one of Ariana Grande’s songs off her new album Thank U Next?): You have got to just let it go. No amount of stressing, over analyzing, and re-playing of old memories is going to make things go back to the way they were before. It’s a losing battle.
Instead, focus on the here and now. Focus on what you can control, and do everything within in your power to build yourself up instead of tearing yourself down. That all sounds fine and dandy, like the perfect goal and mission leading up to my 23rd birthday. But, the truth is, it’s going to be so much harder this time around than it was a year ago, or even 6 months ago. No amount of mile or reps in the gym is going to magically give me back my confidence or help me reach my goals.
Today, I ran 4 miles and had a super great leg workout.
I shaved 15 seconds off last week’s 4 mile time and dramatically increased the weight on virtually every leg exercise compared to last week’s leg day. I got my writing sample done and sent off. I decided that Valentine day is just another day. It’s not something I have to stress over or spend hours agonizing why dating/any social interaction with guys is super difficult for me. It’s just like any old Thursday. I’ll get up, workout, and start my work for the day. I’ll do my best to not think about the fact there are thousands (possibly millions?!?) of happy couples who have been waiting/planning for this day for months.
Because, right now, I’d rather be alone and single than be in a “relationship” with someone who doesn’t care about or treat me with respect.