Running. Lifting.Blogging. and LiviNG lIFE IN THE hAWKEYE sTATE!!!

Disappointed...But Not Surprised.

Disappointed...But Not Surprised.

    Interesting morning this morning...like really interesting. Perfect way to start out the first post of November/first post in almost a week (Holy cow how did I even go that long without blogging, probably explains why I've been so stressed this week). Anyhow, the run was like 50% "Damn girl you're running super fast and having a blast", and 50% "First ya fall/trip over your own feet and then you forget to restart your Garmin...GREAT." And to think I was almost 6 months fall free, shit, guess there's zero chance of ever making a year fall free if I can't even freaking make it 6 months. Blah. I guess I could tell some super funny/in-depth story of how this mornings, um, situation went. It's still pretty fresh in my memory, and my body is for sure still feeling it.

    I honestly find it so odd that I can't remember what song was playing when I landed face first on the sidewalk, in the chilly, dark November morning air. Like I know it's no big deal and obviously the song isn't what made me fall, not that I am taking any personal responsibility for it (cause I am still convinced that there is someone out there with a voodoo doll of me, so it's clear they are the ones that made me trip and eat pavement, nothing to do with my lack of graceful running/athletic ability). Just picture it, I'm 3.5ish miles into a 6.5 mile run, hips are feeling shitty, but I feel like I'm doing a decent job of running somewhat fast. Haven't seen anyone I know, only got barked at by a few dogs, no almost getting hit by cars that don't know how to stop at STOP signs; thing were going good. I'm making my first trip down main street, sweat and snot flying everywhere. Not feeling terribly self-conscious, (shocker I know) pretending that I'm not freezing my ass off and worried that something/someone might come out of the dark and get me. All of a sudden, my legs are getting super tired and my form goes to crap. But, hey, at least no one can see me running through this random patch of quick sand. See there's at least one upside to running when it's pitch black out. Oh, no, here we go, falling in slow motion toward the sidewalk. Can't stop it, it's too late, try to fall in the grass. Just a few of the many thoughts running through my head as a came to a crashing halt. And before I knew it I was hopping off the ground and looking around like a dumb ass to make sure no one had seen me. REALLY CAITLYN?! That's what you're worried about? Like, who cares if you fucked your hip(s) up even more than they already are or have blood gushing everywhere (I didn't by the way, yay for the small victories)? As long as no one sees ya being a total and complete klutz. The rest of that run dragged on and on and on. I was trying to be extra careful not to fall again, specifically in a place where someone might actually see me. So, was it a good run? Honestly, it was a great run, just as good as the one I had a few weeks ago when I set a 10k PR. But, obviously I would have preferred to not fall, so I could have set another PR. Anyhow, this most is only going to get more depressing/feely from here...so prepare yourselves, cause thing didn't really go uphill from here.

    So, after this crazy start to my day, I hit the gym. Since I had to run outside in the cold weather, I had a fitted long sleeve cold gear on under my t-shirt. No big deal for most people to take off their sweat tee and workout in running tights and that fitted long sleeve. But you already know ya girl ain't normal and struggle with body image issues, so things were bound to get uncomfortable. And boy did they, especially when the gym was busier than normal on a Friday. The way I acted/mentally talked to myself was so completely contradictory to my last post, it's just plain disappointing. It shouldn't be a big deal to wear something fitted to the gym and workout around people who you don't know/or aren't typically at the gym as the same time as you. And literally as I was finishing my cardio I kept telling myself, it's not a big deal unless you make it a big deal, so just go back and do your normal lifting routine. And even as I was doing the exact opposite and staying as far away from the free weights and everyone else back there lifting I was still telling myself, this is crazy, these people are not going to judge you, and even if they do...who cares?

    And what did I tell myself mid-workout in response? Oh, well I'll be back here tomorrow, so I can just do whatever exercises I don't get done today then. Okay, but what if it's just as busy or even busier tomorrow. I didn't really have a response to that one. I just kind of assumed that it wouldn't be super busy on a Saturday morning, but now I'm sitting here wondering what I'll do if it is. Cause my arms/back are the parts of my body I am focusing on growing, so I need to just get my shit together and go back and lift all the weights, but my mind is like no, no way, that's scary as hell and way outside your comfort zone. Like way too far outside of it for you to safely attempt to be okay with getting that far outside of it. Lol. Even typing this I am like, "Caitlyn, you are being so stupid/immature about this and if anyone at the gym reads this...Ya I don't even wanna thing about what their opinion is gonna be.

    I guess the real question is, am I surprised by this behavior/attitude? No, not really. It's typical self-conscious Caitlyn behavior. And believe me, I made at least a million excuses for why I couldn't go back there and lift; and at the time they seemed perfectly reasonable. Oh, there is no way there is room for 4 people to lift at the same time. Or, I'm just super self-conscious today because I'm cutting for that Vegas trip and its that time of the month. And looking back, these excuses are absolute bs. I really don't know how I was able to convince myself that they were legitimate and made even a little bit of sense. One thing that did surprise me was that I was able to at least be aware that I was making the wrong choice by not just being okay with being uncomfortable and going back to do my normal Friday lifting routine. For me, that's a huge step, and hopefully a push toward being less self-conscious. I'm not saying I'll be able to make myself go back and do my lifts tomorrow if its crazy busy. I wish I could say that I'm 100% sure that it will get done no matter what. But, right now, I'm not in that place emotionally where I can make that kind of guarantee. What I can say, is that writing all this out, makes me really re-evaluate things and makes it easier to see why I get so self-conscious in a packed gym, even when it's full of perfectly great, non judgmental people. I can't change all the rude stuff people have said about me or my body in the past. I can't change the way there words made me feel then or how they messed me up for so many years. But what I can change is the way I approach similar situations, and how I view myself. I can do better than I did today, I can be much more body positive and comfortable with being uncomfortable than I was today. And that is going to be my goal for not only tomorrow, but every single time I'm working out back home (or any other gym where I'm not there by myself).

    Be on the lookout for another post tomorrow! Until then, Happy Friday, oh and try to learn from some of my mistakes, because then maybe I'll actually learn from them too one of these days.
Focused // The Day You Stop Looking Back

Focused // The Day You Stop Looking Back

Giving Yourself Credit

Giving Yourself Credit