Running. Lifting.Blogging. and LiviNG lIFE IN THE hAWKEYE sTATE!!!

Late Afternoon Thoughts

Late Afternoon Thoughts

    Well, with finals week just a little over a week away, I thought blogging might be a good way to both pass the time with the upcoming dead week and relieve stress.  So much has happened this semester it is unbelievable. For the first time in a long time, I can finally say that I am happy and content with my life. Well, as happy and content as one can be when they can't stand their college roommate for the second year in a row. Not to mention the fact that I have a bad habit of sometimes (or almost always) comparing my life now to how it was back in high school. Stupid, I know. But, life was just so much easier back then. For one, I had a fairly large group of friends that I talked to on a regular basis, I had my own room, and could workout with other people.  Flash forward to the present day in which I literally am only still in regular contact with one person that I went to high school with. One. Granted he is really special, and I know he will always be there for me no matter what. Still. If someone had told me during senior year that I would literally lose touch with all of the people whom I had grown so close to over the years once I left for college, I probably would have told them that they were nuts. 
    Onto a new topic we must go. Changing majors. Literally, one of the hardest decisions I have made. Ever. And I really, really felt disappointed in myself. How could I let down myself and others who thought that I had what it took to become a personal trainer.  In the end, it's not that I didn't have what it takes. And it's not that I wouldn't love to transform people's lives through exercise. It's that, one I stopped believing in myself of being physically capable of being in the right shape for the job, and two that I saw my inablility to help my own mother get healthy as a personal failure. Don't get me wrong, I love me mother. At the same time, its hard for me to see her in the shape she is in knowing that when I originally began my weight loss journey she was there for me every step of the way and we did it together. I will always love her, no matter what her size, it's just scary for me knowing that she could quite frankly drop over dead any day because of just how overweight and inactive she is. 
    And going off of that idea, maybe that's why I was concerned with my capabilities of being a personal trainer. No matter how bad you want something for someone, they have to want it for themselves first and foremost before the intervention or influence of anyone else will aid them in whatever goal they choose to undertake. With that being said, rather that being focused on making the world, my mom, or anyone else the healthiest people they can be I find it more worthwhile and rewarding to focus on improving my own physical, mental, and emotional health. Notice how I said improving rather than perfecting. It has sadly taken me over 19 years to come to the conclusion that there is no perfect body. No perfect diet. And certainly no perfect way to got about losing and then maintain weight loss. It's a day-to-day struggle that is different for every person.
    For me now, life isn't about comparing whatever chapter in my life I am at to previous chapters or to where other people are at in their own story. It's about making the choice to give each day everything you have and then some. About deciding just how bad you want something, and how far you are willing to push yourself to get it. Ideally, I would like to graduate in four years with a degree in sociology that will allow me to work somewhere in the health and wellness realm of an organization or company. Ideally, I would like to weigh around 140 pounds with around 19% body fat. Ideally, I would like to be able run 6 miles every single week on a regular basis. All these things, they don't define who I am. My life is not dependent on whether I fail or succeed at this goals. My quality of life, however, is dependent on how willing I am to reach for they goals and keep a positive outlook on the process itself and not the end result. What's the point in trying to achieve a certain goal, if you spend the entire time hating the work you have to put in and/or putting yourself down. No more. I have had enough.
    From now on, I focus on motivating myself through positivity. I try my best to treat this journey as a marathon and not a sprint. I know that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. I don't need someone to hold my hand the entire way through and I don't need someone constantly giving my compliments on the progress I have made. That may have worked in high school, but in college it's a completely different ballgame. With bigger bats and faster balls. And all you can do is swing. No one can go up to bat for you or go through the motions. It's all up to you and holding yourself accountable for your actions. And knowing that not every workout will be perfect and the scale won't always be your friend. People will let you down and be unsupportive. Don't blame them, thank them for forcing you to be a strong and independent human being. At the same time, you will find or may have already found that one person who you know will support you and be in your corner no matter what. Congratulations.
    For me, I honestly don't feel like I have found that one person who is able to 100% support my weight loss and fitness goals. Now, before you jump to any conclusions let me make this perfectly clear, this is not me trashing anyone who may have helped me along my weight loss journey in high school. I was truly blessed to have help from Bob Yilek (weightlifting/p.e.), Mark Tegeler (XC), Clara (XC) and Coaches Mantz and Mitchell (track). I will always look up to admire the above individuals for not only their own personal dedication to fitness, but their dedication to instilling this principle into all those around them. Now, that we have that out of the way, why do I feel so alone in this journey of mine?
    Well for one, staying in peak shape is a whole lot easier when you have teammates and coaches who are there to encourage you through the tough times and push you to give your all each practice/meet. Secondly, as I alluded to before, I really am not close to anyone from high school except for Lane. So, that would leave family right?! HA. I love both of my parent unconditionally, and apart from them I am not all that close to my extended family. So, by now you should be able to see where I am coming from. Almost everyone that has at some point supported me in the past has at one time or another been unsupportive, lacked understanding with a struggle I was going through, or just plain didn't have my back when I though they should have. I can't fault them, no one's perfect, people make mistakes. It's just the reality that these mistakes have and in some cases still do negatively impact how I see myself.
    Body image. It's something that countless people, regardless of gender, age, or location struggle with. I, however don't blame society. I feel like in many ways, society is the reason why I was encouraged to be healthier in the first place. I instead feel very strongly that the blame lies square on the shoulders of insecure and judgmental people who feel it is there place torment or treat other people differently because of their weight. We can't blame our entire society for something that is really only being cause my a select portion of the human race. At the same time, we all need to take a step back and see things from someone else's perspective before we race to judgment.
    Now, back to me. After all, this blog is supposed to be all about me and how I am attempting to not fall off the carousel of life (Grey's Anatomy reference for those who don't know what good TV is). Because the carousel never stop spinning, not for anyone or any event. It just keep going, and you have to find someway to hold on and keep yourself from vomiting everywhere. So, and this is something that I will admit that I need to work on more, opening up to people about my insecurities. Right now, the best I can do is admit them to myself and in turn type them onto this blog and just pray that no one I know is willing to take the time to read this blog. And if you are reading this post, I can see your judgmental eyes all the way through cyberspace, so knock it off. This blog is legit the greatest thing in the world. No I am not kidding. It gives you a fresh and honest look into the unexplored and unique areas of my mind. I personally, think that from now on, at least with my parents, my goal regarding body image is to straight up tell them how I feel
    I know, you're thinking this sounds like a crazy idea. And maybe it is. But, dealing with stuff like this, is well tough for lack of a better word. And having someone, anyone to open up to is better that no one. Seriously, like I would rather talk to my worst enemy about all of this than keep it bottled up for the next 70+ years. Yeah, I think I am gonna live that long, what can I say, I'm an optimist. So, I swear to the world of blogger and all of you cyberspace peeps that I am gonna give this strategy a go and see what happen. I am literally going in with zero expectations. That way, I can't be let down, right??
    Stress. It's everywhere and effects everyone at one point or another in their lives. So how do you cope with and overcome stress. For different people, this answer is going to vary. The most important thing is to find healthy coping mechanisms rather than unhealthy ones that have the potential to sidetrack your goals in life. For instance, I never had an issue with stress until starting college. When I started college I would occasionally stress eat. It never got to the point of a full blown eating disorder, but it honestly just stressed me out more than if I had talked about my stress or found another healthy outlet for it. So, now whenever I am stressed I either hit the gym, watch Netflix, or play Candy Crush. Granted Candy Crush can be stressful at times, but overall it keeps my mind preoccupied and off of whatever thing I was stressing about.
    Okay, this is the longest post I have typed thus far, and I feel like it was very theurapeutic for me to get everything down on paper (paper, computer screen, whatever). However, I feel I don't have much more to say. Except for this, as off topic as it is, please pray that tomorrow I get an email from the housing department at Iowa telling me that I will be able to switch to a single room for second semester. Thank you. I hope you have enjoy this riveting post. And if you haven't, then go suck a lemon or something.
Thank You God and All of my Guardian Angels Above

Thank You God and All of my Guardian Angels Above

Long Time, No Post(s)

Long Time, No Post(s)